[Narrator]: It was a moonlit night at Newton Abbot, neighbors and Lizzie was working with King Edwin And Lizzie was working with King Edward The Mogul was taking a goods train up to Hamsworth on wye-tho *HOOT HOOT* [Edward]: Whenever that owl hoots, a mist rolls in. There’s a legend that when there’s a mist about, there’s a bitch about, too. Take care up north, Lizzie, old girl [Lizzie]: Puh, that’s not even a bird. Owls… mists… Bitches? Edward’s going soft in the boiler, As well as other places, There’s no mist. [Narrator]: But Lizzie was wrong [Lizzie]: What the hell is THAT? [Driver]: It’s the Breakdown Train, That means there’s an accident. WHOOO’S THEEEERE? [Narrator]: No one replied. Lizzie crept slowly forwards. She stopped by a sign. It had a sign nailed to it, It said “This is a sign” It said “This is a sign”
[Lizzie]: No shit, Sherlock [Narrator]: The driver was surprised [Driver]: No one warned us about that before And look, The signal’s red and the tunnel is closed A-A-And there’s a tender! But where’s its owner? [Narrator]: Then they heard a moan from behind the line of trucks [Lizzie]: B-B-Bitches! Edward was right! [Driver]: Something very sp0w0py is happening. I think it’s best we go back. [Lizzie]: So do I! [B1tch]: *SNOOORT* AAUUUGH Yeah, that’s the good shit. Thanks for the drugs, Mister Pimp, That was very good! [Pimp]: Don’t mention it Call me Sam by the way. Gary, come on, We have more clients waiting for us. [Gary]: Steady on there, Sam, this is a really heavy train Also, get rid of that stupid sign. I need to unblock the tunnel. [Narrator]: By morning the mist had cleared. A workman was talking about the closed tunnel. [Workman]: Och, aye, Lucky you didn’t go through it last night [Driver]: Yes, but we don’t know who warned us. [Lizzie]: It was hardly a warning It was just a sign identifying itself [Driver]: Oh, hush old girl. [Narrator]: Later that day, the message came. [Driver]: The tunnel has been repaired, So we can take our train up north tonight. [Narrator]: But Lizzie didn’t really want to. *Lizzie cries like a little baby* [Narrator]: But when nightfall and Louise came, she was sizzling nicely [Louise]: ANH!~ *splash* [Edward]: OH GOD, IT SMELLS LIKE STILTON!
[Lizzie]: Ahhh, This is better. No owls No mist No bitches *HOOT HOOT* [Narrator]: Suddenly an owl hooted, and Bitchford thundered by [Lizzie]: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! [Truck]: Ooooh look, Lizzie’s spooked! [Narrator]: Said a truck, and the others giggled in their silly way [Lizzie]: Oh, fuck off you stubby cunts, I’m not scared! [Narrator]: But she was. [Lizzie]: No I’m not, piss off! [Narrator]: A little later the fog came down. As they approached the same area, they saw the breakdown train again. [Driver]: Here we go. We’ll move fast and get through the tunnel quickly, that will leave anything suspicious behind very good driver then That will leave anything suspicious behind [Lizzie]: Very good, Driver. [Narrator]: Then, unbeknown to Lizzie, The crane mysteriously became erect and signal went red. Then the moans started near the rebuilt tunnel. The trucks had seen all and they were spooked, too! [Trucks]: Faster! Faster! There’s a Biiiiitch about! [Lizzie]: Stop! Stop! I can’t see, you twats! *CROMNCH* [Narrator]: Some mysterious figures watched Lizzie go by. *Record Scratch* [Nunney]: *Coughing* Bloody hell Corfé, you didn’t have to go that deep. [Corfé]: Sorry my dear, was that Lizzie just now? [Nunney]: I believe so, poor girl looks like she shat herself [Corfé]: Mm-hmm. I see. [Nunney]: Ya ‘tink we scared her? [Corfé]: Mmm, probably [Nunney]: Bitch, I did not say ‘stop’! [Narrator]: Meanwhile at the yards, Hercule was telling ghost stories [Hercule]: And every year on the date o’ the accident It runs again as a warning to others Plunging int’ Gap Shrieking like a loose bitch! [Julie]: Hercule, what ARE you talking about? [Hercule]: The Auto-Bitch, George saw it last night [Louise]: I resent that, you overweight PEASANT [Julie]: Where? [Hercule]: He didn’t say Oh, God it makes my wheels wobble just to think of it. [Julie]: Huh! You’re just being a silly bastard! I have better things to do [Hercule]: Fuckin’ rude, mate. Julie didn’t believe in your bitch. [George]: Neither do I, It was Louise pretending on the telephone! [Louise]: I’m naked~ [George]: No, you’re not, Louise, this is a ripoff. I’m hanging up now [Louise]: Bugger [Narrator]: Hercule was disappointed and went to shot some trucks Suddenly a line of vans clattered through the junction A few minutes later, the signals changed and Gary the 9F rolled in with a very flustered Pimp on board Prince Philip the signalman ran up to them. [Pimp]: Excuse me, your Royal Highness, have you seen some vans by any chance? [Philip]: Why-uh, why- why yes my good sir A line of them went rolling past a couple minutes ago. [Pimp]: Thank you, Your royal highness. Come on Gary. We need to catch those drugs- Ah, fuck- I mean VANS Bye-bye! [Gary]: Very good, Mister Pimp. [Narrator]: It wasn’t long before they found the vans [Pimp]: Quick, we’ll couple up to them and we’ll- [Gary]: Oh crap, Someone’s coming Mister Pimp! [Pimp]: Ah fuck! Fuck! Punch it, Gary, let’s go go go go! [Narrator]: Lizzie was having trouble controlling the trucks [Trucks]: *Assorted shouting* *Assorted shouting*
[Lizzie]: Fuck’s sake. Stop! [Narrator]: Vans full of Addyi lay ahead Sam the Pimp had gone for help [Lizzie]: Oh. GOD. *Screams* [Narrator]: Lizzie blew the drugs into smithereens Drugs and addyi flew everywhere Luckily, the mogul managed to stay on the rails [Driver]: Lizzie? Lizzie! [Narrator]: Her crew felt her all over to see if she was hurt. When they tried to get her moving again She wouldn’t budge She just shuddered She just shuddered
[Lizzie]: *Giggling* [Driver]: Lizzie? [Lizzie]: Go… I… Nngh~ Run… While you s-still can Ah… Nngh… [Driver]: Lizzie, we’re your crew, we just CAN’T [Lizzie]: Just fucking RUUUU-AAAAAAH [Narrator]: Lizzie shot off into the night Her crew ran back to the yards and explained what had happened [Philip]: I’ll see too it But uh, we-we must act fast Or people will think the Auto-Bitch’s legend is true [Lizzie]: *Various wet sounds and panting* *Panting intensifies* AAAAAAAAA- [Caitlin]: Eeep! It’s a storm! A storm’s coming! [Gordon]: My God Almighty Shut the fuck up and down to the back you fucking dick! [Narrator]: Little Caitlin quickly reversed back into the corner of the shed There was an night light in the corner She read a story to herself to feel better [Caitlin]: “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” “In the light of the moon” “A little egg lay on a leaf…” [Gordon]: I swear to God My ears are going to be FUCKING RAW [Narrator]: Further up the line, King Edward was running light engine back to Newton Abbot It was dark and he was anxious to get back to the sheds. As he approached Totnes, however… [Edward]: Oh, hello. What’s this? Hmm, that’s rather odd. Usually the Sleeper Services pass around this time of night. Where on Earth IS everyone? EEP! Wh- What was that? Oh, it’s just you, Miss Elizabeth. How are- Uhmmm… Elizabeth? What are you?… [Lizzie]: *Delirious giggling* Ya know… I think I get it [Edward]: Liz? [Lizzie]: *Wet sounds* Why you run from the Auto-Butt Sh-she can’t keep a dry ashpan around you Y-yet you run away from her, leaving her unsatisfied Any thirsty engine would jump at that kind of scenario [Edward]: Why are you stuttering? [Lizzie]: But I know why… Why you run… She’s not enough for you. YOU NEED A REAL ENGINE TO ROCK YOUR COCK! [Edward]: NOOOO! NOOOOO! [Lizzie]: COME HERE Oooohhh, you’re a fucking TEASE! Come on, you know you want it! [Edward]: OOOOH, NONONO NONONO NONONO NONONO NONONO… [Spongebob narrator]: Later that same evening [Edward]: Right… [????] OH, I SAY! [Lizzie]: *Giggling* Thought you could get away from me Eddie, baby? Did you forget I did stealth recon during the Great War? [Edward]: How did you-? [Lizzie]: There’s a loop line ’round this one [Edward]: Oh, cock But I can still get away! [Lizzie]: Ah, ah, aaahhh I wouldn’t try that if I were you, Eddie You are aware in front of you there’s a set of TRAP POINTS *DOOOOONNNN* [Edward]: *Girly shriek* By jove! Yo- you’re just fucking with me! [Lizzie]: Oh no, Eddie I’m gonna be just FUCKING YOU [Eddie]: MUMMYYYYYYY MUMMYYYYYYY
*Squelching and moaning sounds* [Louise]: Hmmm, I feel a disturbance in my loins… [Narrator]: Word soon spread down the line, and so had Lizzie. The engines decided to take matters into their own buffers [Lawl]: Number one section… ‘SHUN! Stand at… EASE! Stand easy [Pendennis]: Alright men, Miss Louise has kindly donated her industrial N00DZ to us [Louise]: Sodding STOLE my supply! [Pendennis]: We shall be taking the N00DZ to bait Lizzie [???] Any questions? Good. Sergeant Tom, Gunner Roger, carry on Oh and, Sergeant Major. [Lawl]: SIR! [Pendennis]:Go find the Sergeant, will you? [Lawl]: Very good, SIR! [Pendennis]: Industrial n00dz *Salivating* I mean- *ahem* [Narrator]: As the engines stopped for water, the trucks became bored [Trucks]: Let’s break away. [Narrator]: The n00dz were heavy and the couplings old One snapped [Tom]: Uhh, we appeared to have lost our train. [Trucks]: Faster! Faster! [Narrator]: A sign read: WANK But the silly trucks were illiterate Then it was too late Tom and Roger arrived at the scene of disaster. Their crew sighed [Roger’s driver]: Oh no, this was my fault I was totally picking my nose! Well have to get help to pull them out Oooh, the Brigadier will be very pissed off, I can tell you that much [Narrator]: And he was [Pendennis]: What do you mean you lost the n00dz? How are we supposed to bait the mogul now? [Roger]: I’m sorry sir, but the n00dz were *very* potent [Pendennis]: Dammit all! You two stay here and look after Miss Louise, I’m off to find Lizzie’s partner [Narrator]: Bitchford had just returned from her express was delighted at the stupid dilemma [Bitchford]: Fancy not securing your n00dz, They’ll come back to spook you and your little friendship. OoOoOoooh~ [Tom]: Sod off, you bitch! Who’s to say you’re not afraid of ghosts? [Bitchford]: Pah! Ghosts? Things that go bump in the night? RRRRRRRubish [Roger]: Well sit your butt down and I’ll tell you a story that will make your funnel quiver… amongst other- No! No, not making that joke, it’s too lowbrow. I have STANDARDS I’ll tell you… Five standards… standard fives A long time ago, a mogul was returning home. It was an overly drunk night As the mogul found her partner, she suddenly lost control and plunged into extreme coital pleasure below She was never found again, But many a workman will tell you that when the moon is full and the air still, you can hear the distant sound of the Post Train, no that’s not it- But many a workman will tell you that when the moon is full. You can see the mogul trying to find her partner But she never does, and to this day rumor has it She rides the rail, taking engine after engine until she can find her partner once again So, what do you think of that Bitchford? [Bitchford]: Pah! What a load of bollocks [Narrator]: And she puffed away [Tom]: Ah well, never mind Roger She’ll really be frightened if she saw a ghost [Narrator]: This gave Tom’s driver an idea [Tom’s Driver]: Let’s play a trick on Bitchford [Narrator]: The next day he spoke to Bitchford’s driver and fireman who agreed [Birchford’s Driver]: We’ll do it tonight [Narrator]: Bitchford had to collect empties from Hackney Yards, then bring the trucks to the Colliery. Bitchford’s Driver decided to come up with a plan to have a delay at the Colliery Where Bitchford would encounter a baited Lizzie [Bitchford]: Haunted Bitch, pah! Just a load of old rubbish. Probably just Louise on her night runs [Narrator]: But all the same she kept thinking about Roger’s story When dusk fell she was keen to leave [Bitchford]: If we don’t go now, Cuntphilly will take my favorite place in the sheds [Bitchford’s Driver]: We can’t go back until we’ve collected all the trucks. [Narrator]: He could see their plan was working as Bitchford was nervous Back at the sheds though, the engines were far from nervous [Julie]: Lizzie’s had an accident! [Hercule]: Poor engine Buggeration, that means I’m gonna be late! [Duchess]: Now now, she shouldn’t be too hurt I hope [Julie]: But- but that’s the thing She’s not Lizzie anymore. Her Driver and Fireman ran to warn us! [Hercule]: Whatever do you mean? [Julie]: She’s… Just not the Lizzie we know, look I’ll explain later I’ve chained Louise to the Breakdown Crane as bait [Louise]: Oh, this isn’t part of the plan, it’s actually my fetish [Hercule]: Oh, fuck! [Lizzie]: *Delierious giggling* [Hercule]: Oh no… Get the Holy Cross [Lizzie]: Let me iiinnn Better still, I’ll let you in me~ [Duchess]: Be gone foul demon. Be gone back to the void from whence you came BEGONE *THOT* [Lizzie]: I’ll huff and I’ll puff and then I’ll FU- [Louise]: Hello, Lizzie [Lizzie]: *In a moment of clarity* Hello, you dirty Hoe bag [Lawl]: Shit! Oh fuck me, there she is! [Lizzie]: Fuck me The Army’s coming~ And so am I~ [The 110th Platoon]: CCCHHHAAAAARRRRGE! [Lizzie]: *Maniacal laughter* Oh wait, this is bad [Louise]: Oh, that was quick [Caitlin]: Is it safe to come out now? [Gordon]: That fat useless sack of fucking bimbo site is gone so yes [Narrator]: Back at the yards, Bitchford was sizzling nicely [Edward]: Oh God, it smells like Canadian bacon! Actually, that’s rather pleasant [Narrator]: As night fell they set off. Bitchford started up the entrance incline She whistled and the sound echoed everywhere [Bitchford’s Driver]: Spooked, are you? [Bitchford]: N-No! *Squee* *Frrt* Yes! [Narrator]: She soon parked her train in the sidings then, she ran down to the yards take on water Suddenly
[Lizzie]: *Screaming moans* [Bitchford]: What was THAT? [Narrator]: She saw a dark shadowy figure roll into view Her crew knew there was only a drugged up Lizzie, but to the Bitchford look like a succubus Next her crew secretly played Careless Whisper from their cab radio and ran for the safety of the yard master’s office below [Bitchford]: I think I shit myself [Lizzie]: Ooohohooh, why hello there Bitchford, I don’t usually swing that way, but you know… Mmhh I’ve always wanted the taste of a real engine~ HAVEN’T YOU? [Bitchford]: *Screaming* IT’S THE BITCH, TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK PLEEEAASE! [B1tch]: All of ya are fackin’ rude, ya know that? [Narrator]: Bitchford overrode her controls and steamed backwards as fast as possible King Edward have been hiding in the coal piles to avoid being replugged by Lizzie. As soon as Bitchford demolished his hiding spot he rolled quietly away Then he noticed something [Edward]: Miss Elizabeth is following us! [Edward’s Driver]: Don’t be so fucking daft She can’t even see you [Narrator]: But she could [Lizzie]: Why hello there, Eddie baby. Come back for round two, eh? Let Lizzie show you what real lubrication means! [Edward]: MUMMYYYYYY! [Lizzie]: Ohh, I know you like milfs, here’s one comin’ for ya! [Narrator]: King Edward shot down the line as fast as his wheels would carry him [Spongebob Narrator]: 1 minute 37 seconds later. [Edward’s Driver]: We’ll stop here until Lizzie passes by [Narrator]: But Lizzie was nowhere to be seen Suddenly Suddenly
[Edward]: OH FUCK, SHE’S BEHIND US! [Edward]: OH FUCK, SHE’S BEHIND US!
[Lizzie]: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER [Edward]: OH FUCK, SHE’S BEHIND US [Narrator]: Just ahead they saw a small Junction One line went to a siding, the other had an engine [The Sergeant]: Lance Corporal CHURCHWAAARD! [Lizzie]: S-Sergeant? It’s been decades! COME HERE YOU SEXY BEAST! [The Sergeant]: Oh, bollocks [Narrator]: Lizzie thundered past [Edward]: Oh, bollocks [Narrator]: Down the line, Lawl and Pendennis had received word of contact Then they saw Lizzie! [Lawl]: Bloody hell Sergeant, get clear! [The Sergeant]: I’m trying to! [Narrator]: Lizzie was catching up to them fast [Lizzie]: I’m coming to get ya! [Narrator]: But they veered into a siding [Lawl]: We must warn the yard [Lizzie]: *Random noises that the subtitler can’t really describe* [Narrator]: Lizzie rounded a bend and there ahead was Gary! [Gary]: Oh God, what have we done She’s running loose! [Narrator]: Sam the Pimp drove him back as fast as he could! [The Pimp]: Oh shit, Niggles! [Lizzie]: Come here, yoooou~! [Gary]: Bugger off! [The Pimp]: Eh, rather a smash than BE smashed! [Narrator]: At the yards, Louise was collecting a new stash of industrial n00dz to replace the old ones Then she heard Lizzie [Louise]: Oh fuck, she’s heading straight for me! [Lizzie]: I’ll fuck one of you, even if it means destroying your anu- Hang on, is that Louise? OH GOD, IT’S THE AUTO-BUTT [Louise]: Fuck you Lizzie! *KA- BOOOOOOOM* Paintwork’s still RUINED! [The Sergeant]: Hey there Lizzie, remember me? [Lizzie]: Of course, you tasty piece of metal Well, now that you’re here I suppose you better pound me- WHAT IN THE FUCK?! *Super bullet time* [The Sergeant]: Corporal? Corporal, are you alright? [The Sergeant]: Corporal? Corporal, are you alright?
[Lizzie]: *Moaning* [Lizzie]: Oh my FUCKING HEAD I need a smoke. Ugh, back in a second *SSSSSNNNIIIIIIFFFFFF* AAAUUUUGH That calms the shake Woodhead route, never close [The Sergeant]: Feeling better yet? [Lizzie]: Better, Sergeant Wait a minute… Did- Did I do all this? [The Sergeant]: Yes, yes you caused that [Louise]: Why am I always being fucked over? [Narrator]: When the pimp and his men inspected the damage he decided enough was enough. [The Pimp] Well shit son, we should have left the Addyi the fuck alone [Narrator]: They moved the drugs to a disused siding close by the yard King Edward is sure they will never be distributed and that they will continue to be standing alone. Unused and silent I wonder if King ever was high, don’t you? [Lizzie]: *Giggling* [Edward]: Oh God! [Hercule]: I’ll tell your story that’ll make your pussy quiver… [Bitchford]: Oh fuck me, yes…. I LIKE IT WOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo Subtitles be Dean; The Maddened Lamp