If you’re going to be locked
in someone’s attic for 10 years Yeah? …at the will of all
their sexual misgivings and beatings and violence, but you were going to eat
the same fast food every day to keep you alive, which fast food place
would you pick? Wendy’s. Wendy’s is the winner?
Yeah, always. Went through a whole thing. Wendy’s was the.. They have baked potatoes. Yes. It is far from my
favorite fast food place, but, if you got to eat it
every day for 10 years, they’re just good enough to be
the food you would eat every day to make you forget for just that
one bag of deliciousness the horror
that your life has become. Yeah, true. True that. Did you see this, Dan,
on our rundown sheet? That Black Lou has been
so inundated by white culture that he has agreed to go to, and I didn’t realize
this was a Hispanic thing- Shut the fuck up. You didn’t read that before.
No. You’ve been holding out on us
for a while. I found out today.. Jay, I don’t know how to read. How many times do
I got to tell you this? Well that’s a big word.
You’re right. Black Lou is going
to a dog quinceañera. Quinceañera. Quinceañera. That’s got to be, is that white? Is that, like,
a cultural appropriation thing or a Spanish thing? Good question.
There’s really no telling. Well, a Quinceañera’s
a Spanish thing. It is a Spanish thing. A dog quinceañera sounds about
as white as you can get. Yeah, that’s got to be
a white girl taking the Quinceañera
culture, right? That’s why it’s so perfect. Wait, also, is that
a 13 year old dog? Because that’s a sad ass dog. Let me guess. 15. 15, sorry. White girl meets a Hispanic guy,
gang member, face tattoo. Falls in love. Oh, no. Is it a 15 year old dog? Gets married, has a dog.
Has a thing. He’s two and a half,
but dog years. That’s what I was wondering. I’m seriously wondering
if it’s dog years. If it’s 15 years,
that’s dog’s going to die. Yeah, it’s 15 years. That’s the one you’re going to? Ah, they have skies. I mean the dog’s probably
going to die soon. That’s like my grandmas dog
that just walks around without an eye.
It’s like “pant, pant, pant.” “I’m going to fuck you, it’s going to be
a woman after that, eh?” “Mira, mira, we have
the quinceañera this Saturday, it’s going to be Sky’s 15 years. Now in dog years
she is well over 100.” You know the good news after you
go to a pet dog quinceañera, you’re allowed to fuck the dog! But that’s just
[inaudible 00:02:28]. They better get ready to go
to a pet cemetery shortly after this quinceañera. Oh ah!
Is it a white lady? No, it’s, actually, my aunt. Okay. Yeah, she loves this dog. So, Partial Mikey
is a party planner. A 15-year-old dog
birthday party. Yes, it’s a quince, quinceañera. I get it. You can’t have a Quinceanara
on the 13th birthday, you know, an ocho,
birthday, you know. It don’t make any sense! Does she have no kids? Even if it’s his birthday
it don’t make no sense, but that’s just historically
[inaudible 00:03:09]. His arms. Happy birthday, perro. Does she have no kids? The dog? No, the aunt. Yeah, are the dog’s kids, are the dog’s puppies
going to be there? Are these her fur babies? Yeah, she has kids.
She has kids. Are they fighting
with her puppies? Are they grown?
Yeah, uh huh. Okay. Okay.
Yeah. Both out of college. Are they grown? Yeah dog, my dude got super
into dogs when I left. Apparently, this is a thing. Yes.
They don’t love her? Couple throws quinceañera
for their dog. The Garcias of Oklahoma
don’t have a daughter, but they do have
a dog named Nova, and she turned 15 in dog years. They’re definitely doing
weird shit to that dog
besides quinceañera. They jack it off
and believe it likes it. She’s 15-years-old and has
a taste for peanut butter. If you have any sort of
celebration for any day for your dog,
you’re a wing nut. I believe I’m… Every day for your dog
is exactly the fucking same. Don’t you say that. Even if you take it to do
the super most fun thing, it’s already forgotten
a moment later. No Jay. Yeah, there’s no way a dog
comes up to you and you’re like, ‘Oh, why is Boomer
upset at me? I forgot his birthday
two weeks ago.’ Yeah, that’s not
going to happen. Ever. Boomer. Like, sorry,
he’s pissing on everything. Dude, we had a.. Meanwhile, all his friends are
having quinceañeras and like, I forgot his birthday. I was going to throw him
a bar mitzvah, but he uh- You’re the only one
who didn’t remember. I forgot his birthday because
I’m been a fucking adult with responsibilities in life. You go, ‘hi, Dan Soder,
American taxpayer, what I don’t care about
is dog-cat birthdays, get the..’ Cat quinceañera,
apparently this is a thing. Yes, cats live to be much older
so I can, understand that. Cat-ceañera. Cory, you ever film a dog
or cat quinceañera? He goes, ‘I walked in,
I lit it’ Lit it. ‘I didn’t know what it was for’,
he goes, ‘Lot of scratch posts” That ain’t the kind of pussy
you’re into filming, huh? Dude, don’t treat him
like Danny Fox. Danny Fox, dude. Ay.
Ay. Here’s what’s going to happen, I’m going to put a lot
of scratch pads around here, and I’m going to
let these cats go. You ever watched
two cats on catnip? You guys are
scratching a post? Naughtycatparty.com. He goes, ‘What I do is, I bring the sexiest cats
from the New York City area, and they just scratch the shit
out of your apartment.’ Elegant, satin party dog dress. In white or pink- With toll overlays and pearls,
in white or pink for $15. It’s worth it. Is this a boy or girl dog? It’s a girl. Yeah, it’s a girl
I was going to say. If it’s a boy, it’s gay. Yeah, well I’d throw it
a bar mitzvah at 13. A bar mitzvah
to make it a man. You think that’s the opposite
of a Quinceañera? Baruch. I mean, what’s the, what’s the opposite
of a Quinceañera for 15-year-old Spanish boys? Is there a Quinceañero? Quinceañero? Yeah.
Becky Rodriquez? No? She wasn’t born in a
fucking…uh… I know- I’m fucking joking. She didn’t grow up,
well she’s like, ‘Well, when I grew up
in an Adobe’ It’s a companion piece
for the smoke ring. It’s the bar to the bat mitzvah. Quinceañera, a celebration
of a girl’s 15th birthday and her transition
from childhood to adulthood. Is there a quinceañero? I don’t, I’ve never
heard of that Just look it up- I just remember getting bumped
for a Quinceañera at Banana’s
in Hasbrouck Heights- That’s hilarious.
That’s amazing. I got bumped from the main room
to the back room. That’s awesome. And, at one point,
I told the audience, I go, ‘If y’all don’t laugh
hard enough and I hear the bass
from a Pit bull song, I’m going to go upstairs
and hang myself.’ You got moved
to a different room? I was in the room
where they keep the folded chairs,
like, the back. They put you in there
because of a Quinceañera? Yeah.
Oh, man. Did they get a comic
for the Quinceañera, because I think
I know just the guy. Uh. Ay, welcome back
to Sadie’s Quinceañera, it’s good to see you, huh? I’ll tell you what, those
titties don’t look 15, yeah? Feliz cumpleaños to my boner. Hey, but that’s just
[inaudible 00:06:51]. They go, ‘mom, why is there
a white guy in Finger’s disguise doing a more than
inappropriate accent?’ Hey, what’s up? I know you guys
want some bean dip, but come over here, listen to me
for a little bit, eh? Yes, mom is he a bad man? Yeah, that Quinceañera
for a dog is fucking crazy and I didn’t know
it was a thing. I didn’t know it was a thing. Who, his friends? Don’t tell Trish… His aunt? It’s your aunt.
My aunt. Black aunt? Black aunt. Having a Spanish party? Hell yeah. Is the dog Spanish?
Is it a Spanish terrier? Is she just honoring
the dog’s race? Yeah, she goes, ‘I got it
from a Puerto Rican couple’. It’s a Maltese. Maltese?
Dude, it’s not the picture. Yeah. So, what are you going to do? Is that dog’s eye bulging? Is that dog’s eye bulging
on the right? No, the dog’s actually
doing well. Okay, because that eye looks
like how my grandma’s dog, Buddy, his eye just fucking shot
out of his face. Oh, God. And, for, like, two years,
I was, like, ‘nana, we got to do something
about that eye’. She’s, like, ‘he’s fine’,
and he’s just walking around, being, like,
‘snort, snort, snort’. And, when we, finally,
got his eye shut, I mean, we got
his eye taken out. You? I told you this on the show. Now it’s called shut,
or whatever, and he’s just so much happier.
You can just tell, he’s, like, ‘whoo, you know that giant tumor
I had in my head? The old lady
finally took it out’. Yeah. And, it’s, like,
‘it took my grandma I can do math again. Dude. He is, and I tell you,
it’s his multiplication tables. Flying. He said he can do math again,
by the way, I feel like
my Quinceañera’s coming up. Yeah. Now, I’m not saying
where I want it, but I can tell you this. Splashing. Chateau
Brionne has a pretty great. He goes, ‘I want
something on a vineyard. I want to be outside.’ Lou, what gift are you
getting for this dog? Aw man, I, really,
didn’t even think about it, I may have to get, like,
uh.. Money towards a cot? Dude, please get
a doggy gift certificate. To the dog. To the dog that doesn’t make
any sense, like an Olive Garden. To Sky.
Best Buy. No, why Olive Garden? Don’t even think
about it, on me. PetSmart.
Huh? Go to PetSmart. No, that’s a real present. Right. You got to get a present as
buffoonish as this whole idea. I don’t think the dog
should suffer. Sky, got you this gift
certificate, Spencer’s Gifts. Now, you go in, you can buy
whatever you want. Buy whatever you want. You think a dog’s
going to suffer from unlimited breadsticks? Unlimited stuff? I think you’ll kill that
15 year old dog. Did I say this on the air yet? Olive Garden is offering
the most absurd deal in all of restauranting and,
I think, they should, nervously, just shut down
all of their stores. What is it? I think, and I want to say
I’m right about this, 13 dollars,
right now, for 13 dollars, Olive Garden was a place I would consider going at
for Italian food. Most of my twenties. I took multiple dates
to Olive Garden. Of course. Love the breadsticks. Look, I know you’re family. We’re going to OG tonight,
babe. And, I’ll tell you this,
for 13 dollars right now, I think it is. Okay. It’s called a Eat One, Take One.
Dude, Buy One, Take One.
You eat. I don’t even know
that really makes sense. And, then, they give you
a whole second meal to take home with you,
like, please. Let’s do it. What? Let’s do it,
let’s go down to the munch. Jay, how quality could that food
be if they’re saying, for 13 dollars, you can eat
two full Italian meals? It’ll be like waking up in
Sicily, you know what I mean? Have you ever had
a Tuscan morning? So quality. It’ll be like hiking in the
back hills on North Italia. Dude, let’s go. I’ll go eat fucking
Olive Garden right now. Dude, it’s right
across the street. Dude, I would house
Olive Garden. Let’s go to Olive Garden. House, house.
Pasta primavera. I’m just telling you,
they’re informing you, you shouldn’t eat here. Those noodles, pazoodles. You’re right, you know
what they’re saying? They’re saying you shouldn’t
eat here, you should enjoy your meal right now, then,
go home and eat us. You should eat here. I mean, eat here, and, then,
see how it feels at home, right? Like, this isn’t man food
watching in front of your TV. Not bad at all.
Right? I’m kind of excited. Olive Garden,
when you come here, you better have a microwave. Yeah, Olive Garden,
just call your family, dude. Yeah, Olive Garden, either ask
for a promotion or a raise, or find a new job. Olive Garden,
do we cater dog Quinceañeras? Yes, we do. Olive Garden,
that sinking feeling you have
is underachieving. Oh yeah, where’s the Quinceañera
happening? In a hall? No, he’s having it at the house. D.J?
I think so. Hell, yes. Pulled chicken sliders. Oh, my gosh. I like the idea
of that guy walking away from some girl with gold teeth
and fucking crazy hair going, ‘no, girl, I’ll be back
in a couple of hours, I got to go DJ
at the Hall Quinceañera’. Because DJ Slay
go where DJ Slay go. Will there be other dogs there? Yeah, well, she has, I think,
three total. Beyond her siblings?
Beyond her dog siblings? Will there be
outside dogs brought in? And my mom’s coming,
I’m taking my mom, she has her two dogs,
her maltese. And those two dogs get along
with your aunt’s dogs? Yeah. Lou, can you rent a Mastiff
or a Greyhound and just come in riding it? Dude, I will pay. What if I pay? Put those fucking donkey
canisters on the side of it, just crazy shit. Just two Rottweilers. Are there other dog guests? That’s what I’m asking. Do they have to RSVP?
And the P stands for paw. Assholes. You know what? He didn’t hear you ask
that question before, because he was writing
that joke in his head. And I appreciate that. I was, actually, hypnotized by
the zoodles primavera up there, on the street. Zoodles primavera looks
pretty fucking good. Oh, it doesn’t look good at all. The chicken gardeno? Oh, and zucchini russo. Jardeno?
It is a healthy option. Yeah, it was distracting. That chicken doesn’t
look right, though. Back room? The chicken doesn’t look right. You don’t want to get chicken,
that’s for sure. Dude, why don’t we all go down
there and see for ourselves? Why don’t we go feast like kings
and take home meals? Take home a whole other meal. I like that you’re looking
at this as a fair deal, good bargain.
This is not good for you, man. I know. You should have to pay more
than this for good Italian food. It’s great food. If you’re making it at home,
for 13 dollars, you can, actually, make good Italian food
at home, for the most part. Or, for 13 dollars, you can eat
great Italian food at the Olive Garden
and, then, take some home. I mean, if you want to buy
dough and fucking That’s Pepsi dance party. And ricotta cheese
and all that kind of shit, you can make that a pasta
at home for sure for that price. And I’d probably say
I’ll put a good 5 Pepsi with both meals,
per meal, possibly. There’s no way you want this. I am not lying at all.
I really want it. The soups and breadsticks
are good. What are you looking at? I have a white trash palate,
I’ve never said I didn’t. I think you’re holding back
with saying something. Listen, I can understand
some good foods, but I’m not like,
‘oh, my God’. Listen, forget, I’m not even talking about,
like, You saying
OG’s doing some stuff? I’m not talking about going to
high end Italian places. My favorite place used to be East side Mario’s, it was
a fucking franchise place, and I’m all about a place that
brings you too much chicken parm that you have to bring
half of it home, with huge things of spaghetti.
But, I mean… You’re talking to a guy
who likes Domino’s. It could be like a Mom
and Pop one. What was the place I used
to fucking love in Queens? Joe Bracciamentos. Joe Bracciamentos shut down,
but what a fucking place. Joe Bracciamentos? I only heard about it. Unbelievable in Queens. That sounds like
it would be good. Yeah, when it’s
a full man’s name. And, by the way, same thing,
so, everything they have here You know what’s good here,
but, also, in Tucson? Domino’s. No, it’s not good here
or there, what? Every now and then. Is that your mouth?
Is that what your mouth thinks? I like Domino’s. You totally would do late night
Domino’s. Stuffed cheesy bread? Come on. I would do late night Domino’s but I don’t think
it’s really good. Yeah, you do,
when it’s really good. Domino’s thin crust. Stuffed cheesy bread? Come on. Yeah, you do. Come on, dude. I love how he acts like he doesn’t
like garbage food sometimes. I do love garbage food. Mm-hmm (affirmative). But, also, I think what they did was they used to do
all you can eat. Yeah. And, it’s, like,
you can’t eat that much. So, I think, maybe,
they’re trying to get people to do takeout from Olive Garden. I think Arby’s is the second
best roast beef in the world. What’s the number one? That’s white garbage. I wouldn’t fight you on that. No, I know. I’m just saying, I don’t have a taste
for good stuff. I was, like,
are we saying facts? That’s a fact. Yeah, but, I’m telling you, they
have to be feeding you poison to give you that much food
for 13 dollars. I mean, if we’re getting down
to the nuts and bolts, yeah, that’s not real chicken. And? How is that Parmesan cheese
layered on with some goopy sauce? I’ll tell you what,
you throw Parmesan cheese so I can’t even see the chicken and I’ll just pretend
it was more noodles. Yeah, it’s just protein noodles. Were you under the impression that Olive Garden’s
a nice restaurant? We just said it was. No. I love how far apart you two
are on this. But, do you think it’s more
than Applebee’s? Do you think it’d be nicer
than an Applebee’s or a Ruby Tuesday’s? I’d say I’d consider
that better than Applebee’s. Are we talking about ambiance? I think Olive Garden is nicer
than Applebee’s but not as nice
as a Ruby Tuesdays. What? Ruby Tuesdays? I think Ruby Tuesday’s is also
garbage on the same level. Garbage. Why don’t you go sit outside
for a little bit? Their food is terrible.
Salad bar, killer. Thank you. But they’re shutting down, almost, I mean
in droves. Well, I mean, Bennigan’s
was the place to go. Bennigan’s, ooh.
Remember the ground round? You ever have
one of those down south? I did have a ground round. I just liked the Count
of Montecristo’s, the Montecristo’s? No, but ground round, for sure. Ground round, under 12. You weigh yourself,
it’s what you pay. Pay what you weigh. Macaroni Grill is… Is that true? Under 12, ground round.
Pay what you weigh. That’s fucking hilarious.
Yeah. Pay what you weigh? Wait, what’s… Under 12? I would have to pay
a fucking hundred and eighty-seven dollars. Macaroni Grill is the
nicer…um.. Cheesecake Factory. I think it’s the Cheesecake
Factory equivalent for Italian. But Olive Garden’s
really low end food, it’s one step above fast food. If you go into an IHOP,
honestly, it better be your second
biggest problem in the world. We don’t want to talk about it
because you’re on heroin. You know what I mean?
If you were, like, ‘hey, I was
in an IHOP yesterday’, if you want to get me to stop
talking about the problems going on in your life,
your next line better be, ‘I was coming down
from heroin’. I’m like, ‘oh, we got a bigger problem, we’ll get to the IHOP stuff
later, okay, okay.’ I’ve never once gone into
an IHOP and been happy about it. Or Denny’s.
I have, late night. Well, I’m going to stop you
right there, man. What? Are you going to try
to defend Denny’s to me? Denny’s is all right. Denny’s is not all right. Are you kidding me? Chicken fingers,
fantastically crunchy. Who’s going to Denny’s
for chicken fingers. All right, first off, first off,
big ups to Village Inn Colorado. Village Inn’s fine. It’s good.
It’s fine. It’s better than Denny’s.
Same. Do you have Norm’s? What? Does Norm’s sound familiar?
It’s like another Denny’s on the West Coast,
not even Arizona. If no one else was here, I would’ve thrown
headphones at her. Oh yeah. Macaroni
Grill and Olive Garden. Olive Garden is below Macaroni
Grille, I’ll give you that. Never been. I think they’re, probably,
right around the same. They’re in the same, yeah, like,
four and five. Macaroni
Grill fucking sucks, too. It’s not great, but you need
to understand how low the quality
of Olive Garden really is. Remember Chi CHi’s? I don’t get it. Remember what? Chi chi’s. You mean Cici’s Pizza Kitchen? No, I mean Chi Chi’s Mexican
restaurant that have tortilla chips that couldn’t sustain
the weight of any salsa. That’s what’s up. So, every turn, it would fucking
break off, he would go,
‘loose leaf paper thin’. It was so thin. Yeah, these restaurants
have to be, because there’s so many
across the country, big and, then,
eventually, go away. Bennigan’s was huge
in the 80s and 90s. That was the hangout
at the mall. I’ve never had Bennigan’s. Houlihan’s. Oh, yeah. Cheesy’s.. The Ponderosa, Sizzler
went by the wayside, you can still find them
in the Midwest. I sat at one with my headphones
on and quietly ate. At a Sizzler?
A Sizzler, yeah. We’re going to Sizzler. Or not, I think
it was a Ponderosa. Ponderosa was still. But Ponderosa and Sizzler
are the same. Sizzler used to be huge. Red Lobster was way bigger
than it used to be. Yeah. They used to be way bigger. I’ll go into Red Lobster still. It ain’t good food,
but it’s… Cheddar biscuits? Yeah, but I… Are you trying to get me
to go to Red Lobster with you right now? Yeah. I’ll walk away from this show
35 minutes early. Red Lobster, those
cheddar biscuits are unreal, but I legit, last time
I had Red Lobster, I was sick for a week.
It was bad. That’s because you’re weak. I guess, man.
You just got to get stronger. I should just go eat more. It’s not that quality seafood. I still love Applebee’s. And I know Nate Bargetzi
will back me on this. She’s doing good, I’ve been
listening to her turds, solid. She goes,
‘no more string cheese, apples, chocolate thingies’. Let’s take our last break. Fucking, let’s do it, dude. Let’s fucking do it, we’ve got
more commercials to read and we’ll come back,
do you have to leave? I’m going to let you.
Yeah, I got to take off. Happy birthday, Andy Fiori. Thank you, boys. Thank you. We love you so much, dude.
Have a great time tonight. I got to do more shows
or I’d be there. I appreciate it.
If you can, come down after. What? Don’t put
that pressure on me. I have a bar show. I was going
to try to walk you out. Oh, all right.
B-rod’s going to be there. Hey, I’m going to walk,
I’ve got a bar show… Is that what she told you?
She’s going to be there? Yeah. Get up, stand up.
Presumpting Andy. D.J Lou’s coming too. Are you, really? Oh, totally. Cool. Wow, that was just kind of mean. Jacob hates Jeffery Toll. Just, immediately,
channel switching ban fort. Immediately.
They’re awful. Turn her back up, Lou. Jacob, it’s not… Let’s see if there’s certain
talent you don’t get. No, I’m sure I get that. You don’t think his voice
is awesome in these songs? I’m sure they’re bad. No.
Come on, Jacob. No, nothing good about this. I think their record sales
might argue a lot. Christine with the burn. Sick burn. Oh, Evans laying heat. Look, can you cleanse my palate, put some Ascension
Millennium on, please? Would you do me a favor, Jacob?
Can you give me one second here? I could turn with you,
in a second, on Christine if she answers
this question with bullshit. Bless you, Christine. Oh, Christine. Clearly.
Bless you. I don’t know,
I don’t want to answer. Bless you, Christine.
Bless you for the trial and tribulations
you’re about to go through. Clearly. Bless you. Bless you. Clearly, Jethro Tull music,
I brought into your life. Yeah. You were almost done.
She was almost With exception, I’m sure there’s
a Jethro Tull song that I Why do you got to qualify? Because I’m sure that I heard
a Jethro Tull song. Of course you’ve heard an album
in your fucking life. Of course, in your lifetime,
you heard Aqualung, dickhead,
of course you did. Everyone fucking did. Why are you so angry? It’s just, why don’t you just
say yes, I brought it into your life? Because you didn’t,
I grew up with classic rock and I’m sure I heard it, but you fucking made me study
who’s in the bad and all that. You know what? You get like this
with Shane when he tells you about
how he introduced you to those chips that, clearly,
I introduced you to. My friend, Taylor’s, boyfriend, introduced me
to them back in 2002. I don’t know who introduced me
to the Doritos, but I really appreciate it. It was me.
Thanks, dude. You’re welcome, dude. Those purple bag Doritos
are what’s up. Best Doritos. The best Doritos.
Sweet and spicy? You got a flavor Doritos
that’s better than that, Lou? Bring cool ranch and watch you just get super
kicked over the board. Cool ranch. Better than sweet and spicy? Too spicy. What?
I also love the spicy. Not even spicy. It’s not spicy.
Spicy nachos, get out of here. That’s good. No. There is the champ. Now I got to explain this
to Jacob. Jacob, this is food,
junk food. Chips made of corn
and other assorted things. Is that for hummus? You know, I just fucking can’t. Oh, God. Oh, God. A company invented Doritos,
I assume. No, it was John
and Nancy Dorito. Thank God, real music. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Bill and Thomasina.
Some shitty old timey name. In a cabin in Washington, they invented the recipe
for their homemade Doritos. I mean, it’s, essentially,
a corn chip. That’s all it is. A tortilla chip. Super seasoned. Super flavored,
like potato chips, and what’s another brand
that has it that you give a shit about?
None. They came from Disneyland. Really? Yeah, it says right here,
it was Casa De Fritos in Anaheim, California
in the 1960s. Christine just wanted
to say Casa De Fritos. Oh, that reminds me of my
hometown of Casa De Fritos. Oh, are you kidding?
I grew up around Casa De Fritos. You know what’s crazy
about that? There’s ever, and there’s
Funyun ranch, it was awesome. He got Cheeto one. You know what I mean,
all the places. I walked into it,
Dipsy Doodle Bluff. Yeah, it’s all fucking names
like it’s Neverland. Hot Fries Alley. Yeah, she goes, ‘you don’t even
want to go into Tapas Alley’. That’s hilarious. Casa De Fritos,
now Rancho De Zacalo. Yeah, man, Fritos making
that fucking money. It’s Frito Lay, yeah. Yeah, Frito Lay. Shout out to Frito
Lay for the original Fritos, that’s my favorite chip.
I’m not lying. What? Fritos original. Oh, and their parent company
is Pepsi, though. What? Corn chips? Yeah.
Whatever’s on Fritos Corn Chips, we may have talked about this
in the show before. So good. But after you eat a
couple of handfuls and jack off. No, don’t jack off. Don’t. You’re going to leave a lot
of finger prints on your dick. It’s chip lube, dude. No, it’s going to gather dust
and it’s going to be a.. It’s a mess. No, my dick’s going to be
all shiny, like it got out
of the water. It won’t. It won’t be good. But, I’m telling you,
whatever that lacquer is. Agree to disagree. Whatever that lacquer is
on top of those Fritos Mm-hmm (affirmative). When you swallow enough of them
and it coats your throat, you know what
I’m talking about? Dude, I love Frito Lays, yes,
I have had that coat. You love that feeling? I’ll eat a big bag of Fritos
and not even blink. I didn’t ask if you’re
going to blink, I’m saying,
nobody likes a Fritos Scoops better than this guy. Scoops is too gluttonous. Oh, if you put stuff in them. I don’t really care
about scooping Scoops, I could put them
on my tongue and wear them on my tongue like a tongue bra
for a little bit. Tongue helmet is my favorite
thing to do with a Fritos Scoop.
I’m right on board with you. I think it, somehow,
went like a, ‘meh’, I put it out of my mouth and see if I can
hold it on for a while. And, then, when you crush it in. Yeah, and I wait,
right when the salt’s about to run out on this thing. Frito Pies are unbelievable,
and I don’t like beans. And I still like Frito Pies. You shouldn’t do that. What?
What? Shouldn’t do what?
Frito Pie? Yeah. Why? Why would you do that?
It’s so good. Because in the bathroom,
feel lighter the next day. You pour chili
into a Frito’s bag. Yeah. Is this the first time
you’re hearing about Frito Pies? They used to give out
Frito Pies in my… Oh, Christine is so desperate
to bring anything to my life new and to do something. Oh man, this is a deep topic. You guys need to go
to couple’s therapy. Have you ever heard of… You guys got to go to Allen,
where he’s, like, ‘why are you worried
she’s bringing in recipes?’ And he already knows
everything about us from when people talk,
our friends talking. ‘We have a lot of work’.
Oh, I love Frito Pies. Man. When’s the last time
you had a Frito Pie? Like, yesterday.
No, it’s been a long time. After all my softball games,
I’d do it. I don’t know, I had
a good homeroom. When’s the last Frito Pie
you’ve had? Probably it’s been like
10 years, probably? What was the occasion? I don’t know, I don’t remember
my last Frito Pie, I wasn’t, like,
‘mark this moment in the..’ I would absolutely say, if there
was a Frito Pie present, I would know
what the situation was. I think it was in Austin, Texas. It might have been at a festival
and, or my cousin’s wedding. What? And we went to the trucks. What shoeless wedding was that
that they had Frito pies? You watch your mouth,
it was a lovely wedding and it was at
a very nice place. That served Frito Pie. No, we went to the food trucks. You pot lucked. My ex girlfriend and I
went to the food trucks and there was a food truck
in the area that had Frito Pies,
so we got one. Did you, though? Yes. What is this?
What are you, Jerry Orbach? Is this Law and Order?
What are you doing? Did you notice that
there were Frito Pies? I had a Frito Pie,
I fucking love Fritos, dude. Do not do this. What girlfriend was that? I ain’t saying her name. L.A.
L.A? Mm-hmm (affirmative). You weren’t eating a Frito Pie
in front of her. Yeah, I was. Do you remember
what I used to eat, remember? Remember the Wendy’s things? Nope, I saw you waterboard her
and apologize for three straight days. That was one of the funniest
things I’ve ever done to anyone. You accidentally shot water
up her nose once and you apologized
for three days. I pulled her by the ankles
under the water. You trying to console
and not laugh was the best because you weren’t
just laughing. You were laughing,
but you were trying not to. But I wasn’t trying
to be rude about it. Christine just swam back
to the indoor half of the pool and went to go laugh
underwater. And, then,
I just held it together, I got out like all of a sudden
I was going to take a look at the sun over here
on the other side. I just turned away
and I laughed into the sun. You know what was funny?
She was, like, ‘I need tissues, you need to go
get me tissues’, and I go [inaudible 00:28:44],
that’s when I started laughing. Yeah, man, all three of us
trying to fall apart. Because we were, like,
playing around the board. It went from laugh to hiss. Because it was playful at first,
like, ‘oh, I’m going to dunk you’,
and I go, ‘hey guys, watch this’. And I dropped her
under the water and I grabbed her ankles
and I went, ‘whoosh’, and I pulled her
and the water went up her nose. There were water droplets
on the inside of her eyes. She came up and she was like,
‘blah, blah, hiss’. And just started panicking,
like, ‘did it ever get in?’ And I was, like, ‘oh, no,
are you okay?’. She’s, like,
‘I’m not, you were hoping’. I was hoping when I said,
‘are you okay?’, she was going to be, like,
‘yeah, you asshole, fuck you’. I farted in the water,
that’s how hard I laughed. Oh, man. And Jay’s right,
for three days. Just, like, ‘I’m sorry.
Sorry about that, sorry.’ ‘What? You want to go watch
Lisa Love Acoustic?’ ‘Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll go’. All my friends are going
to something so awesome. Do you remember? ‘No, you want to watch this girl you knew
from high school’s in a band and you want to hate watch her
because she’s fat?’ ‘All right, I’ll go, I’ll go’ Do you remember the pictures
we took with Danny, what was his name again? Fox, yeah. You can’t… shirt. Kept coming his buttons undone. Why don’t we get
those pants off, just back half? What are we doing here, boys? Are we going to fucking
suck pussy, or what? Oh, my friend Corey
just lit this Corey. I like Corey in our story becoming the right hand man
of Danny Fox. And that’s the day I met him.
He goes, ‘Danny Fox, huh? Where’s that guy now?’
I go, ‘I work for him everyday, we’re going to start
a small empire’. Mr. Corey’s very loyal to me.
He’ll light just about anything. Yeah. He doesn’t ask questions,
and he knows illumination. Now. Now. Back to what we were saying. Yeah, but remember when we were
doing that and then exorcized, the guy wanted us to do all
the comics because he’s, like, ‘I want you guys to yell,
yell whatever you want to yell and I’m going to take
a picture of you guys yelling.’ We all did it,
it was like me, you, R.E, Norman, Wolf,
it was a bunch of us. And, he’s, like, ‘yeah’.
And I was just, like, ‘I’ve been bullied by a hot girl
for three days. I’ve been being bullied’. I was just yelling
and I broke Jay. Jay started laughing
because he was, like, ‘no, you’re not lying’. You’re going to mic yourself up,
you weirdo? Can we secretly mic DJ Lou
and send him off and just find out what he says
to himself while he’s walking? Yeah. Come on, Louie, you got this,
Louie. Energy Bar?
It looks like Turkey Loaf. I know, but it’s good. Put it where it belongs,
giving back to plants. What is that?
That looks horrible. It’s Goji berry, wild oats,
flaxseed, coconut, peanut butter, dark chocolate,
dried cherries and agave. Sounds good, huh? No, I thought
you were getting soup. I was. Remember when you didn’t
get anything because you made
a declarative statement of, ‘I don’t like soup’? ‘I’m the one person in the world
that doesn’t like soup’. Well, I didn’t know
if I’d like the soup, but I did. But you said, as a blanket,
‘I don’t enjoy soup’. Because I didn’t know
if you want soup right now. That’s not what you said.
You said, ‘I’m going to get soup’.
You don’t like soup. Our entire relationship
is me explaining that I didn’t say that. You did say that. In fact, no, it wasn’t
on camera or microphone, but you definitely said,
‘you don’t want soup’. Because I don’t think
you want soup. Black Lou,
solve this dispute for us? I’m sorry? Solve this dispute for us?
Christine said the words, ‘I’m going to get soup
and you don’t like soup’. Thanks for doing it, by the way. Okay.
Is that what she said? I said, ‘I don’t know
if you want, I don’t think you want soup’ That’s not true. I, honestly, don’t remember.
I don’t want to lie. Merc face, you listen
to everything I say. What’s that? You’re my human voice
recorder. Not everything I say. Why? What’d I say? Do you recall Christine saying the blanket,
moronic statement, ‘Jay, you don’t like soup’?
She said, ‘I’m going to get soup
and you don’t like soup’. You know, I’m going to get soup,
you don’t like soup. All right. I thought you said
I didn’t want soup. To be fair though.. If I didn’t love you so much
right now, I would’ve pegged your cigarette
off your chest and been, like. I know, and, then,
Jay completely shut down on me, I do have food altogether. Jay’s reaction was a little… What? Did I say,
‘I was getting up?’ By the way, when I said,
‘I’m totally good’ I said, ‘can you give me an idea
of what you want?’ And you’re, like,
‘you know what? I’m over it’. I don’t have an idea
of what I want. You could’ve said that. Give me some of the bar. You really are dumb
as a doornail. Even, like, it’s still
straight in the bag, even God didn’t want it. Fuck you, that was $3.95.